Provo All-Stars

I recently read an article in the Student Review. It's an independent source for opinion eds. and all things Provo related.

{Here is my shameless plug, it's a refreshing outlet of media after being surrounded by newspapers like the Daily Universe whose fine-combed and hand-picked articles are so boring and conservative that the only thing I use the paper for is Sudoku. So look up the Student Review.}

I picked up my monthly copy this morning and one of the first articles was about Provo All-Stars.

Don't know what a Provo All-Star is? Don't worry, you've met/know one before. I take no credit for what is to be said next, other than the fact that I wish I had made these remarks before this witty author did, but here is what Kelly Bluth had to say about where to spot a Provo All-Star.

The Hot Spot of A Provo All-Star*

Gold's Gym
A recent interview with LMFAO revealed "Sexy and I know It" was written after the duo stopped to get directions at a Gold's Gym located in Provo. The suffocation smell of testosterone overload, along with the stench of dried sweat and Muscle Milk, is a a scent Abercrombie & Fitch insiders say the company is trying to replicate for its summer line.

Tanning Salon
A bro's gotta be looking good at all times and that means a deep and perfectly shaded brown from a solar-induced, cancer-guaranteed bed for 30 minutes every other day. Paleness is for those who put "school" above "gym" on their priority lists.

Alpine Village Underground Parking Lot
Every All-Star is privy to a telepathic communication system whereby they can alert every other All-Star when a DJ hits the local Provo party scene. After practicing the "jerk", they flock to the underground lot in packs of 6 to broadcast their arrival.

The pool at King Henry/Hot Tub at Belmont
For some freshly inducted All-Stars, going to a tanning salon every other day seems a little daunting -- which is why the King Henry pools becomes an easy solution. Armed with Ed Hardy sunglasses and 5 bottles of tanning oil, it is all too clear that "I'm going for a swim" becomes "I'm going to lay out with the ladies." After a hard day at the pool, All-Stars swarm to the Belmont tub, ready for unintelligent conversation mixed with condescending remarks to any outsiders who dare venture near.

Southeast Campus
Patrolling in their newly-paid-for-by-his-parents BMW, All-Stars are looking out for girls who are desperate, attention seeking, and utterly void of dignity and self-regard.

Buckle
Jeans with a bedazzled back pocket and thick white seam lines combined with a deep v-neck tee is the unofficial uniform for All-Stars

Squaw Peak
Wife beater. Board Shorts. There is no substition for a bromance date night boarding down the Canyon with your best buds who also pay more than $450 a month for rent.

Summer Sells
If you have met/know an All-Star, but they haven't signed their soul away for pest control or alarm system sales yet, then you may want to let them know that they are an embarrassment to the name. Repping your first Vivint flat bill is a necessary rite of passage.

And to throw my two cents in,

Bean Bags as Furniture
All-Stars' $450 a month rent is well worth it when the living room itself can fit a large bean bag for every single member of your bro club. Normal couches/furniture are unacceptable. Bean bags allow the versatility of cuddling while watching Jersey Shore on Bro's night.





*Summarization/rewording has occured in order to make sense of some of the paragraphs